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Inspirational jokes, stories, analogies, events
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."
Author Unknown
The Rev. Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.
When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.”
“I don’t think I’ll be there,” the boy said. “You don’t even know your way to the post office.”
Author Unknown
A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry. Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers.
One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.
The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"
Author Unknown
A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go is to say, "Hallelujah!"
The only way to make the donkey stop is to say, "Amen!"
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.
"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.
"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode off, very proud of his new purchase.
The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As he headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to make the donkey stop.
"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.
"Oh, no..."
"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!" shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.
Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."
The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.
"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.
Author Unknown
A very small female janitor (4’10’, 90 pounds) worked at an amusement park and was told to go out and sweep up the trash.
As she was getting ready to start cleaning up her supervisor noticed her putting rocks in her pockets.
When the supervisor asked her what she was doing, she said, “It’s very windy out there and I’ll get knocked over by the wind… So, now I weigh me down to sweep.”
Author Unknown
A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates. St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."
"One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"
Come on in!"
Author Unknown
Two Christians have lived very good, and also very healthy lives. They die, and go to heaven.
As they are walking along, marveling at the paradise around them, one turns to the other and says "Wow. I never knew heaven was going to be as good as this!"
"Yeah", says the other. "And just think, if we hadn't eaten all that oat bran we could have got here ten years sooner."
Author Unknown
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The Minister and the Taxi Driver
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A minister has just died and is standing in line waiting to be judged and admitted to Heaven.
While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. The man says, "I am a taxi driver from New York City."
The angel standing at the gate calls out next and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses, and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased, and proceeds through the gates.
Next, the minister steps up to the angel who hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water.
The minister is very concerned and asks the angel, "That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life as a minister and get nothing! How can that be?"
The angel replies, "Up here we judge on results—all of your people sleep through your sermons—in his taxi, they pray."
Author Unknown
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played it all through High School.
Please do me one favor, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there is women's softball there.
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, Barb; you have been my best friend for many years. If it is at all possible, I will do this favor for you.
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
A couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, Barb, Barb.
Who is it? asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. Who is it?
Barb – it is me, Rose.
You are not Rose. Rose just died.
I am telling you, it is me, Rose, insisted the voice.
Rose! Where are you?
In Heaven, replied Rose. I have some really good news and a little bad news.
Tell me the good news first, said Barb.
The good news, Rose said, is that there is Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we are all young again. Better still, it is always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.
That's fantastic, said Barb. It is beyond my wildest dreams! So what is the bad news?
You are pitching Tuesday.
Author Unknown
A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said "Acts 2:38," and proceeded to quote scripture.
The burglar froze in place and didn't move. The woman called 911; the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood.
"What did you say to him that kept him from moving?" they asked the woman.
She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture.
The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. "Why did the woman's quoting scripture scare you so much?" they asked.
"Scripture?" said the burglar, "I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's!
Author Unknown
A tired pastor was at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, "I'll just duck upstairs and wait until she goes away."
An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened ... not a sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife, "Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?"
The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she couldn't possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment.
The quick-thinking pastor's wife answered, "Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I'm sure you'll be glad to greet her."
Author Unknown
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the monkey was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's The Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?
"Well," said the monkey, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
Author Unknown
It was 5:00 a.m and the father went to his son Shawn’s bedroom door, knocked and said, “Son, it’s time to get up. Jump in the shower and we’ve got to leave ASAP to catch any fish.”
Soon it was 5:30 and dad had the coffee brewing, the boat hooked up and he just finished packing the truck, when he noticed Shawn still wasn’t up.
Furious the dad pounded on his son’s bedroom door a second time and yelled, “Jesus rose from the dead and you can’t even get out of Bed!”
To which the son replies, "Yeah, but it took Jesus three days!"
Author Unknown
A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Catholics are driven crazy because, while they're grumpily eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks.
So the Catholics work on the Jewish man to convert him to Catholicism. Finally, after a lot of pressure and much arguing, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jewish man to a priest who sprinkles holy water on him and says, "Born a Jew, Raised a Jew, Now a Catholic."
The Catholics are ecstatic. No more tempting smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue spread through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet.
They see him standing over the grille cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying, "Born a cow, Raised a cow, Now a fish!"
Author Unknown
The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation and she pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and saying, "I'll take him and him and him."
Author Unknown
A drunk man who smelled like cheap wine sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be hornswaggled," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".
Author Unknown
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week count, St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asked the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
Author Unknown
I was about 12 or 13 and had just started shaving my legs. I was the type of child that no matter where I was or what I was doing, at 10:00 p.m. I fell asleep (this occurred a LOT in the bathtub!
Well, it was a little before 10 when I started my bath, and was going to shave my whole leg vs. the lower half. I had soaped my whole leg up and had the razor in my hand. I was getting quite tired so I thought that I would just rest a second and then hurry up and get out. I didn't want to re-soap my leg, so I draped it over the tub and fell asleep w/ the razor in my hand!!!
Low & behold, my soapy arm slipped off the tub and since my leg was raised, I cut my rear end quite nicely!!!!! I immediately began to scream (the water was stinging like crazy!), and my mother ran in to see what was wrong. When she found out, she couldn't even help me, because she was absolutely rolling on the ground laughing her brains out...my sister joined in on the laughter...I didn't find the humor in it (then).
Well, the next day at church, I had been making a point to stand, because it was too painful to sit especially with panty hose on. I didn’t know it at the time, but my mother and sister had basically told the majority of the people what I had done.
Well, the minister had been praying for quite some time, and I was getting tired of standing. I was also sitting with the new guy in church that I began dating a few months later. When the minister said "amen", I plopped down, but jumped right back up!! You could hear this roll of laughter move across the sanctuary which caused the minister to look up and ask, "Did you want to praise God this morning?" And with tears rolling down my face all I said was, "Nothing to praise God for today!" and ran out of the church.
Someone must have explained to the pastor what had happened, because he came up to me after church (of course I thought he was going to reprimand me), but instead lovingly put his arm around me and said, "God understands! We've all cut up one time or another!!!"
Author Unknown
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