Church Bloopers
The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth into Joy."
A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.
Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be, "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Our next song is "Angles We Have Heard Get High."
Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"
On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.
The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Our parish used the phrase "Walk in love" as our motto. The yellow pages printed it "Walk-in Love." - Our ad was free that year!
Recessional Hymn: Immoral, Invisible
"For all the allergy sufferers in our congregation, this is a flower-free Communion Sunday." The first hymn was "Lo, How a Rose E'er Blooming"
There will be a rummage sale next Saturday. Ladies, please leave your clothes in the basement.
Scripture reading: "Open our eyes, Lord, that we may see wondrous thongs."
"We are pleased to have as our speaker this morning the Rev. Mr. Green, accompanied by his lovely wife, Mrs. Green. Please remain for lunch after the service, followed by the Hanging of the Greens."
A Baptist church I once attended was offering a Bible study called Experiencing God. At one point during the course of study, there was a scheduling conflict so the church bulletin ran this announcement: "No Youth Leaders Experiencing God This Week".
Congregation will sing, "Savior, Like a Shepherd Lead Us" (if time permits).
God’s Word will be preached here Sunday 6:00 pm If the LORD will
The church had invited the missionary Bertha Belch to address the congregation, the church magazine read, "Hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa".
This week’s sermon: Jesus walks on water. Next Week: Searching for Jesus
There was a new, very young pastor in my grandparent's church. He was very nervous about doing a good job in his first church assignment. One Sunday he was going to make an announcement after the service about a taffy pull which was to be held in the home of Peter Bailey, the head deacon. He announced loudly as all were leaving the church, "Don't forget!! There will be a peter pulling at taffy Bailey's house tonight!"
Last year at a large gathering, our Bishop was giving the benediction. It was from a contemporary liturgy, and he was having a little trouble. Instead of, "May the God of Abraham and Sarah send you on new journeys," he said, "May the God of Abraham and Sarah send you to New Jersey!" He caught himself, realized he'd gotten it wrong, tried again - with the same results. We were cracking up, and the next day I asked how many people brought him a map of New Jersey.
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person's you want remembered.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
Since the conversion of Mr. O'Malley last week, he has decided to close his tavern and invites the members of the church to help dump the liquor in the river. Now, Brother Jones will lead us in 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"
As each person raised his hand, the preacher would point and voice his blessing.) (in a soothing yet commanding voice) Now, I want every head bowed and every eye closed. If there are any here in special need of God's help, just raise your hand and then lower it. Nobody is watching but God -- Bless you, sister! Anybody who's sad, or lonely -- Bless you, brother! and you, brother! Anyone who thinks nobody understands your pain -- Bless you in the rear, sister!
"Don't forget our luncheon on Monday the young women will be serving congregation members."
A pastor, and good family friend, were preaching one night and got all worked up about the Devil!!! He meant to warn about the FIERY DARTS of the Devil, but he switched the "F" and the "D" around....of course we never let him forget it!!!!
We had just gotten a new pastor in the Nzarene church I grew up in (this was approximately 25 yrs ago), and the pastor was preaching his 1st sermon to the congregation. Now this pastor was a "hail & brimstone" type of preacher, and he was getting into his sermon, and was just hollering his message out when all of a sudden, his teeth plopped out on to the podium!!! The entire congregation didn't quite know what to do. Most of us were just dying on the inside. Pastor picked up his teeth, inspected them (for breakage, I presume) "blew the dust" off of them and said....I'm not embarrassed if you're not!" and kept right on w/ his message (that is after the roar of laughter died down!)!!!
This same pastor (who I soooo dearly miss) was preaching and I was in the age range of 5-7. As stated before, the Pastor was a "hail & brimstone" kind of preacher....he was also L-O-N-G winded. Out of respect to God, pastor always had us stand to pray, and coming from a strict family, us kids were required to do what the adults did. Well, I guess I must have been a little on the tired side, because when the pastor concluded an unusually long prayer, I uttered, "It's about time!!" and I got more "amen's" than the pastor did!!!!
At the time I was about 11 or 12 and my best friend and her little brother (age 7) attended without their parents. Bro. Harper, our minister, was making announcements for upcoming church activities. He was telling the children that we could win a “Blue Ribbon" from contests. My friend's little brother, Jamie piped up and yelled, "Yeh, my dad gets one of those every night!" Over the howling from the congregation, Brother Harper didn't miss a beat. He told Jamie that his dad should really appreciate him bringing home a new kind of Blue Ribbon.
The Senior Choir begins rehearsal next Wednesday. All 9th graders who have beer in Junior Choir are invited to join!
At my cousin's wedding the priest said: Do you ----- take ------- to be your lawfully wedded wife. Do you promise to love her in sickness and in health, in good times and in BED? It's on the video folks.
My aunt and uncle attend an evangelical church which does full-immersion baptisms in a shallow indoor pool. To assist with getting people in and out of the baptismal pool, they use a plastic stepstool. This stepstool is buoyant, and when no one's weight is anchoring it, it rises to the surface. One Sunday following a baptism, the pastor noticed that the stepstool was attracting attention, so he told the congregation, "Just ignore the stool floating around the pool".
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